Sasquatch
by Two Guns and a Knife
Summary: Just a little quirky winter tale about, you know, the usual stuff. No animals were harmed in the marking of this 3-chapter story. HEA, of course, is a must. Theme Song: Walking in the Air from the animated film The Snowman. and oh BTW, be afraid, Cupcakes, be very afraid...
1. Sasquatch

******Sasquatch**

Nope, he wasn't drunk. He was happy, so happy that he could die. He got out of his brand new navy blue Ford SUV. He staggered through the snow toward the plain-looking 2-story house. Home, sweet home. A wide smile spread across his movie star handsome face. The sky was dim and the street was quiet. It was Friday and he was here to join his wife and newborn son for the family dinner. In his parents-in-law's house. Yeah, he was the happiest man in the world. He'd gotten all he'd wanted. He couldn't ask for more. Well, maybe another child. This time a little girl. Blue eyes. Curly hair. Just like her elder brother, Joseph Junior. He still wasn't sure if he wanted their third child to be a boy or a girl. Better make it four. Two boys and two girls. Angie. Bella. Joe. Tony. More than perfect. He pushed open the door.

The wonderful smell of hot food and freshly baked cookies hit him in the face. His mouth started watering. Butter. Sugar. Salt. His stomach roared. He loved his mother-in-law's cooking. He planned to steal his father-in-law's cookies. He would hold his son to his heart. He would kiss Stephanie on her lips. He would then whisper dirty jokes in her ear. She wouldn't be able to stop giggling and tomorrow morning she would make him another Italian sandwich. Yes, they were a happy big family. He stepped into the dining room. He grinned at the precious child. He frowned. He blinked. He paid no attention to the sudden silence. He stared hard at the boy's bright dark eyes. He knew the child's almost black hair was silky smooth. And that little face reminded him too much of someone. Someone he genuinely disliked. Someone he openly despised. Anger. Shock. Realization. The bitter taste of betrayal. He whipped around to face Stephanie.

"What the Hell, Cupcake?" He yelled and then the universe burst.

The world became blank and he woke up in his own bed. Bob snored beside him. He looked up toward the bedroom ceiling. It was just a dream. Should he smile? Should he sigh? It was but a dream. Was he really in love with Stephanie? Did he really want kids? Could he be definitely sure that the child was his? Cold windy night. Dark nasty thoughts. He didn't feel like himself. Why had he chosen to come back? Why hadn't he stayed in LA? Why become a cop? Of all the women in this world. Of all the places on the globe. He had to get out of bed and go to work at the first ray of dawn. Would there be a dawn? Polar Vortex. Record cold. He didn't want to leave his bed. But did he really have a choice? Could he move to somewhere warm? Florida. Arizona. Gators. Burmese pythons. Rattlesnakes. Bark Scorpions. Work. Drink. Fuck. Did he really have a life of his own? Something had changed inside him. He could feel that in his bones. It was time for him to make some necessary changes. It was time for Stephanie to make a final choice. She couldn't be a bounty hunter forever. She had to become a mother before her eggs got too old. Time. Tide. Chances. _Yeah, lucky us._ He closed his eyes and decided to sleep a little more. The bed was soft and Bob was so warm. Tomorrow. Tomorrow after the hockey game he was going to propose. He would hide the ring inside her meat ball sub. He would pay a visit to a jewelry shop this afternoon. Would she say yes? He smiled as he fell asleep.

Yes, she would.


	2. Legendary Beast

**Legendary Beast**

But it was so cold out there. But he was so warm, so hard, and so perfect. And she didn't want to move. She wanted to stay, here, in his arms and his bed, forever. She really, really had to go. Joe wouldn't be pleased. Her mother would call. People would talk. She'd already made her choice. She'd already decided that one day, someday, she would get married again. And she had a sneaky feeling that soon Joe was going to propose. A diamond ring. Pretty. Shining. Modest. Middle-priced. Placed on top of a Boston Creme cupcake. Hidden inside the tiramisu. Would he get down on one knee? Should she let out a little happy shriek? Of course Joe was gonna smile his charming smile. Of course she would say yes. What other choice would she have? Caught between two lovers. She didn't want to end up alone. Settle down. Having kids. Start a new family. Learn to survive the in-laws. Love. Laughter. Hopes. Dreams. A brand new page of life. She really needed to get out of his arms and get dressed. She really needed to get a grip of herself. She really, really needed to go. Polar Vortex. Record cold. One ring that ruined them all...And it was so cold, oh so cold out there in the lonely snow...She would stay just a little longer. She would close her eyes just for a minute. She would snuggle just a little closer. Ranger. Batman. Carlos. Mr. Manoso. And he was so hard, so warm, and so calm. And his eyes were so dark, so bright, so so beautiful...

Stephanie Plum gave in to her yearning and a new life was conceived.

Edna Mazur smiled gazing into the snow. Ah, her spell had worked.


	3. Yeti

**Yeti**

_GLOBAL warming my ass. _He snorted and carefully drove on. The world was freezing cold and the streets were covered in snow. The morning meeting had been canceled. He was glad he'd overslept. He'd woken up with an almost painful hard on. Bob had, once again, farted in the bed. Baked beans and grilled cheese. Tonight the damn dog would sleep on his mother's couch. He and Stephanie would celebrate their engagement upstairs first in the bed and then in the shower. _Say goodbye to birth control pills, Cupcake. Say goodbye to condoms. Yeah, w__e are going to become parents. _He grinned with expectation. Most of the stores were closed today due to the weather. But he'd managed to find this little store. Yes, it was a second-hand ring. But the diamond was beautiful and the price was fair. He knew Stephanie would loved it. He got home and turned on the TV. He hid the ring inside the meatball sub. He smiled. He started waiting. The ring also had the perfect engraving. "The love of my life, Stephanie".

SHE really should get going. She didn't want to be late. The weather had already warmed up. And the snow had stopped. But the comfortable silence inside Ranger's apartment made her feel safe. She wanted to be gone by the time he came back. She also wanted to stay for another night. She didn't want to miss the game. But Ranger had a bigger TV. And better coffee. And smoother skin. And softer lips. She smelled like his shower gel. Joe would get suspicious. The game would start any minute. She'd turned off her phone. She knew she was being a coward. She was being childish. Ranger hadn't promised her anything. She was here out of her own choice. Or was it poor judgement? She turned on the TV. Rex was soundly asleep. Ella had made her a Cuban sandwich. With too much vegetables. With not enough butter. Delicious. Yummy. She let out a sigh. She flicked through the channels. All of a sudden she wasn't in the mood for hockey games. Or silly movies. Christie was fucked and the world was a mess. There was still time to get up from the couch and drive away. It wasn't too late. Joe knew when not to ask wrong questions. Why wouldn't they be happy together? They would have beautiful kids. _Geez_. She cringed, and then burst into tears. Nope. She wasn't confused. "The love of my life, Stephanie." The perfect engraving inside her wedding ring. The smile on Dickie's almost handsome face. A future. A promise. Her wedding gown. Her happy smile. Her brand new dining room table. Joyce the Skank. Joe's scowl. The cuffs. Her freaking shower curtain rod. Her bruises. Had Joe ever truly apologized? She couldn't remember.

"It's the small things that counts." Grandma's voice whispered in her ear.

She looked up and saw Ranger. He looked like sin in black. He didn't say a word. She leaned into his arms. She soon found his lips. The snow started to fall. The temperature dropped. She felt warm and safe. Was it time to stop running away? She let out a small happy sigh. Something had changed inside her. She knew it...She could feel it...

THE meatball sub got cold. Stephanie wouldn't answer her phone. Morelli reached for the last slice of pizza. The Rangers had won but somehow he wasn't happy about it. Not at all. The snow kept on falling. A cold shiver ran down his spine.

EDNA Mazur laughed.


	4. I Am A Freaking Unicorn

**I Am A Freaking Unicorn**

**~Epilogue~**

The moment he saw Stephanie's face in the pastry store, he knew.

Where she'd been staying.

Who she'd been with.

The ring smelled of tomato sauce. He'd been waiting for her to call. To explain. To change the subject. To avoid the entire question. To ignore the issue at hand. She was such a bad liar. But she sure was cute. Conservative. Rebellious. Curious. Pretty. Not overly smart. Just the kind of woman he liked. Just the kind of companion he wanted. They'd make a great couple. Like a dark rich Arabian prince and his treasured pure-blood mare. He knew just how to apply the right amount of pressure. He knew how to hold the reins. Make her feel guilty. Make her less ambitious. Make her feel responsible. Make her more...docile. Make her believe she was in control. He'd always been a smart learner. And Mrs. Plum, the talented cook, the impeccable housewife, had taught him well. He'd meant to drop by Stephanie's apartment and check on her. But he'd been unexpectedly busy and she hadn't returned his calls.

Antsy. Was he feeling antsy? He'd claimed her virginity here one summer afternoon many many years ago on the hard cold floor. And now he could just stare at her. As if she was a stranger. As if he didn't know her at all. He couldn't even muster a smile. He couldn't even utter a word. Didn't he deserve an explanation? Didn't she owe him a feeble apology, a blurred answer? He hated the way she smelled. That familiar fragrant expensive shower gel. The other man. The bad influence. The great temptation. The sinful seduction. He knew what they'd been doing on those cold freezing nights. Suddenly he wanted to yell. Suddenly he wanted to run around in circles. Like a wild Indian warrior. Dancing to the imaginary war drums. Mourning a war that had been long lost. Weeping with those pale sorrowful ghosts. He tried to smile but failed. He tried not to show his burning anger. Nope. Not in front of the curious crowd. Not in front of all these expectant grinning bystanders. He made sure she knew he felt hurt. He clung to the last shred of hope. Dear sweet Stephanie. Always eager to help. Always eager to please. Always eager to make amends. Always think too much of others. Always think too little of herself. He prayed this would work. He needed this to work. It had to work. He'd been planning for so long. All would be lost.

"Cupcake," His eyes two pools of melted chocolate. His voice very, very soft.

"Joe," Stephanie's voice was very small. She blinked. As if feeling unsure, uncertain, or ashamed of herself. "I..."

She suddenly stopped. No. She wasn't sorry. She felt no regret. For what she'd chosen. For what she'd done. Instead she was happy. Happy that the Polar Vortex had gone back north. Happy that the snow had finally stopped. Happy that she'd woken up way too early this morning and thus been awarded great morning sex. Ah, all the things you could do in a warm bed on a cold morning/night. All the fun you could have. No. It was more than sex. It was an unbreakable link, a strong invisible connection. An unspoken promise. A silent agreement. It wasn't a gamble. It wasn't a game. It was something beyond words and description. No, she didn't have any physical proof, but her heart and soul were the solid witnesses. Maybe she was being a fool. But that was her own decision and, somehow, she knew the price would be right. _All you need to do is have some faith in love_. Grandma was waiting for the doughnuts and yeah, Grandma was usually right. And the man she loved and wanted would be willing to pay the price.

"Joe," Stephanie smiled. She was beautiful and pretty. She was cute and brave and polite and nice and sexy. She was so familiar. She was so sweet. She was drifting away. She was getting out of his reach. "I'll see you around."

And then, just like that, she was gone. From his life. From his dreams. From his plans. From his house. She never went back for the small, useless stuff left behind—an odd sock here, an odd sock there. And the socks wouldn't even match. He just stood there, in the pastry store, and watched as her sleek black borrowed car pulled away. He didn't hear all the whispers. He didn't notice the looks and grins. And that night, he sat all alone inside his lovely cozy two-story house, on his chewed-up couch. Bob was having a sleepover at his brother's house. A Knicks game was on. He took a bite of the meatball sub. He stared at the TV. He wasn't exactly a fan of Pino's meatball sub. The bun was soggy. The tomato sauce was too sweet. And it tasted of too much memory. He flicked to another channel. He wasn't in the mood for basketball. Sasquatch. Bigfoot. National Geographic Channel. Legendary creature. Here in the State of New Jersey. Hairy, hairy beast. The ring smelled of garlic, oregano, black pepper, and parsley.

He needed a bigger TV.


	5. Do You Know What A Drop Bear Is?

**Do You Know What A Drop Bear Is?**

**~Meanwhile In An Alternate Universe~**

"What the Hell?" Stephanie yelled with her mouth full of blood.

She spat out her broken tooth.

She stared at the bloody ring.

She widened her eyes.

She stared harder.

Realization hit.

"Cupcake, will you marry me?" Joe Morelli smiled his charming smile. Joe Morelli dropped onto his knee.

_The love of my life, Stephanie_.

The universe burst.

The world blackened out.

Joe Morelli, now unconscious, horribly bruised, lay on the floor. Unmoving.

The ring smelled of blood, tomato, basil, and Parmesan cheese.

Stephanie, still breathing hard, blinked back a sudden tear.

Ranger tried not to laugh. "Babe,"


	6. My Preciousssssssss

**My Preciousssssssss...**

**~A _The Polar Vortex Returns!_ Special Chapter~**

He booked a flight and packed his bag. The plane took off just before the airport was closed due to snow. He needed to get away. The emptiness was too loud now that the news had spread. Stephanie was carrying another man's child and he felt like a fool. All is fair in love and war. So why did he want to scream his throat raw like a mad man and smack his fist against a concrete wall? So much frustration. So much anger. So much disbelief. So much pain. Yeah, it was too much to bear. He now wore the ring***** around his neck. He always dreamed about Stephanie and her dark skin child. Would it be a boy? He always, always wanted a little boy. He would be a good father. He wouldn't end up like his Dad. He looked out the small window. He could barely see anything in the darkness and the woman next to him snored like a horse. He raised his hand to feel the scar in his brow. He'd just started growing a beard. He deserved this long due vacation. He worked too hard. Grandma Bella had put the Eye on almost everyone and his mother's face was so thin and grim. Every time he drove past the boring-looking 7-floored building he wanted to step on the brake and pull out his gun. He wanted a duel. He wanted a chance. He wanted his revenge. But Stephanie—Stephanie—

He let out a sigh. He just wanted to ask her why. He hadn't heard anything about the wedding. He hated the smile on her mother's bright happy face. _Why, Cupcake? Why __couldn't __it be me? Why it had to be him? _He closed his eyes. He didn't want to fall asleep. He didn't want to wake up again. The world was a cruel, cruel place and the food served on the plane tasted like bitter memories. The flight attendants smiled at him. The plane landed. He breathed in the salty air of Hawaii. He couldn't remember any of his sad chaotic dreams. He couldn't wait to swim in the open sea.

Ordinary Joe. Clueless Joe. The bluest sky. The golden beach. On the other side of the Pacific, heartless soulless Japanese fishermen were killing hopeless helpless dolphins and the weeping ocean was tainted red. He felt sad. He felt angry. From time to time he drove past the local animal shelter but he'd never ever stopped to save a life. It would be too much burden. It would be too much work. Besides, he already had Bob. Selfish humans. Meaningless killings. Shameful feeble excuses. Who was he to disagree? He'd just lost his dream. He'd just lost the game. He'd watched too much news. Kill. Destroy. Cry. And die. The fucking circle of this fucking life. He was the dangerous stranger here. Tall. Dark. Mean. Moody. He smiled back at a curvy blondie. And still attractive. He was going to get laid here. He would satisfy someone's fantasy. Then he would go find a pawn shop and sell the ring. Who would the next fool be? Would he be luckier? Would he be happier? Would his sweetheart gasp and burst into tears? Would his sweetheart say yes and kiss him on the lips?

Whatever.

He didn't care.

He wasn't interested.

He took off his clothes and changed into his swimming trunks. He walked into the salty water. He closed his eyes. He listened to the waves. He loves this gentle night.

He never saw the shark****** coming...

**Author's Note: **

*** A special thank to the talented sweetdreams-sunnymornings for Stephanie's broken tooth. **

**** Because 18-wheelers are so boring?**

***** SNICKERS. **


	7. Avada Kedavra!

**Avada Kedavra!  
**

** ~Meanwhile In The Mirror of Erised~**

**To Lucy, Maddie, and their fearless but maybe not so calm pack leader**

***SNICKERS* **

The shark spat him out:

"Geez, man, don't you ever wax?"

**~FIN~**


End file.
